What to expect out of counselling

Your reason for going to a counsellor or contemplating going to a counsellor may vary from mild emotional disturbance to unbearable distress. Though the degree or nature of your problem may not be comparable to someone else’s, one thing that is common across people who seek counselling is that their situation is interfering with their life in one way or another. For most people, especially in the Indian context, the decision to see a professional for emotional troubles is a big one; often made after a lot of contemplation, and in a lot of cases, covered in a shroud of secrecy. The stigma attached to seeking therapy is a topic for another day. Today, let’s focus on what to expect out of counselling.

• First and foremost, counselling provides you with a warm, safe and confidential setting, where you can explore your concerns in the presence of a non-judgmental, qualified professional. Since this person (your counsellor) is an objective outsider, he/she does not have any personal agenda while understanding what you share. Your perspective is the only one they know.

• Counselling usually happens over a period of weekly sessions. The number of sessions or the period of time required will vary from person to person. It is difficult to give an exact number at the beginning of counselling. I find it a useful practice to schedule a ‘review’ session after 4 or 5 counselling sessions. This gives both the client and the counsellor an opportunity to look at the way things are progressing, and take into account what is working and what isn’t. Depending on the severity of the problem, a more realistic estimate of further sessions required can be made.

• Being open and honest during counselling will lead to clearer understanding of yourself and your context. Counsellors are trained to listen with empathy, but that’s not all they do. They will help you to read between the lines of your own words, giving you a better insight into yourself and the situation you are in.

• The counselling relationship is the cornerstone of any change you wish to see. You can make the most of your counselling experience if you actively engage in the process, rather than passively expecting advice. If there is anything about your counsellor that is bothering you, communicate it openly. A qualified counsellor will be able to consider your feedback in a positive manner and help you understand your misgivings better. Someone who seems rigid or judgmental towards you may not be best suited to address your needs. 

• Most counsellors will work collaboratively with you towards identifying therapy goals. Your counsellor should be able to help you to formulate realistic achievable targets. These goals are open to revision and modification, depending on your progress.

• Many a times, we unknowingly indulge in practices that are detrimental to our own betterment. For instance, a person who has had a string of bad relationships may be unconsciously choosing partners who are abusive, thereby maintaining the pattern. Counselling gives you an opportunity to identify any patterns or recurrent behaviours that may be maintaining the crisis situation. With the help of your counsellor, you can become more aware of your behaviours and learn ways to modify them.

• Counselling also involves some risk. Sometimes, clients experience an emotional upheaval – things that you didn’t think as relevant to your current problem or were not prepared to talk about, might come up. Some painful memories, which you had put away, may resurface. In addition, the changes you are beginning to experience may not be well received by the people in your life. However, these risks can be dealt with if you honestly discuss with your counsellor about how you are feeling. Working through these difficult feelings often leads to considerable personal growth and progress for the client.

• Sometimes, the ‘problems’ we take to counselling may be beyond its scope, or may require the assistance of another professional. For example, through the course of a few sessions a counsellor may suspect that your mood swings may be related to a clinical condition, or that your lack of appetite may need a doctor’s attention. In such a scenario, a counsellor refers the client to psychiatrist or a general physician, as required. There are many instances where a person benefits from continuing psychotherapy in addition to medical aid.

• A structured ending is perhaps the least talked about aspect of counselling. Considering the amount of time and money you invest in counselling, it is natural to want to ‘stop’ once things seem a little better. Many a times people may stop therapy quite suddenly, fearing that if they told the counsellor they wanted to stop, he/she may not ‘allow’ it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. A professional counsellor will never extend therapy beyond the required period of time. Also, as a client, you have complete authority to bring counselling to an end whenever you want to. However, it is in your best interest if you do this in a structured manner rather than quitting abruptly. A planned ending session will give you an opportunity to process your learning and progress and to give you a sense of closure.

If you have any queries or doubts about what to expect from counselling please feel free to contact me on aditikdcounsellor@gmail.com

Coming Out

Here's a link to my article about "coming out" on the Talk it Over website...

http://www.talkitover.in/romantic-relationships/coming-out-acknowledging-your-sexual-orientation-to-others/

Asha is a well-educated, independent young woman of 25. She lives with her parents and younger brother. Around the age of 15, she first discovered that she felt emotionally and sexually attracted to girls. Despite the initial turmoil, she has grown comfortable with her sexual identity and considers it to be a valuable part of herself. She has come out to a few of her friends. However, she hasn’t been able to come out to her parents yet, who she considers strict and conservative. She worries that they will hate her if she tells them that she is gay. But she can’t stand keeping it a secret anymore. Also, there is talk of finding a suitable groom for her.
What would you do if you were in Asha’s place? How would you deal with the situation?

Coming out – what does it mean?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), coming out is the process of acknowledging and accepting one’s own sexual orientation as gay, lesbian or bisexual (LGB). Sexual minorities are not limited to lesbian gay and bisexual. This article however focuses on coming out experiences of individuals who identify themselves as LGB. It also includes the process of disclosing one’s sexual orientation to others. Unlike the stereotypical view, coming out to others is not a one-time thing. It may occur on numerous occasions when a person identifies him/herself as LGB to friends, family and significant others.

Coming out experiences are unique to each individual, and even though it is a challenging process, many people find it to be an empowering and enriching experience. With adequate support, it can prove to be a very positive experience. This article will familiarize you with the basics of coming out, its possible outcomes and how to prepare for them.

What does it feel like?

Coming out to yourself usually (though not always) takes place during adolescence – when you are at a stage of growing awareness regarding sexuality and identity. The process is neither unidirectional nor uniform. Each individual’s coming out experience is unique. However, most often it begins with a sense of being different. It may take weeks, months or even years for individuals to come to terms with this feeling. During this stage, feeling confused, unsure, angry, guilty, and even wanting to punish yourself are normal.

You might find your head crowded with questions such as:

• ‘Is it just a phase?’
• Why am I not attracted to the opposite sex?’
• ‘Am I abnormal?’
• ‘Is this wrong?’
• ‘How will I tell my friends/family?’
• ‘What will they say?’
• ‘Will I be teased/bullied if I tell people I am gay?’

A large part of overcoming the negative thoughts and feelings includes challenging your own homophobic assumptions and dealing with the denial. The difficulty in coming out to yourself is increased when you see stereotypes and prejudices about LGB people all around you. However, once you come to terms with your sexuality, you will feel good about accepting yourself and this will lay the foundation for building a healthy self-concept as well as healthier relationships. During this process, you must ensure that you are not being too hard on yourself. Some people find it useful to read more about other people’s coming out experiences. Others prefer joining online communities and interacting with people who have dealt with similar situations. Talking to a counsellor also proves beneficial when there is a lot of turmoil within you. Being aware of and accessing the available resources is essential.

Why come out?

Considering the discrimination and difficulties faced by LGB people, do you wonder why people come out at all? Wouldn’t life be simpler if you just pretended to be straight? The answer is, no. Even though social circumstances for an LGB person may seem bleak, living a lie is often much more difficult.

Research (LaSala, 2000) suggests that coming out is psychologically healthier than living in the closet. Your reasons for coming out could be varied; you might want support because of the overwhelming feelings or simply because you don’t want to hide it anymore. Whatever your reasons may be, coming out often eventually leads to more honest and stable relationships. Being open about oneself with others makes you better equipped to access social support, which is important for your psychological well-being.

Coming out to your family and friends

Who you tell first and how much you share with them is entirely your decision. Here are a few things to keep in mind while coming out to your loved ones:

• Each person’s family and social circle are different. Hence, there is no one full proof way of coming out. It helps to identify one person in your family or friends circle whom you trust, and share with them. Slowly you can share with the others
• Try to imagine and prepare for the reactions you might get from your parents, siblings or friends
• It is best if you come out when you are in a calm state of mind, and have enough time to say what you have to say. Coming out when you are angry or upset is not a good idea
• Some people find it helpful to mentally rehearse how they will tell their loved ones. You could say that you want to tell them because this is an important part of who you are and you trust that they will accept you for it. You might want to tell them what made you keep it a secret till now. Sharing your fears and apprehensions will help them to see what you are going through
• Be prepared for negative reactions. Some people may be surprisingly supportive and understanding; conversely, they might also show shock, anger or disbelief when you first tell them
• Remember that it took you time to accept your sexual identity. Give them time too. Their first reaction isn’t necessarily their final reaction. Once they have had time to process it, they might be more supportive
• Sometimes people say hurtful things when they are angry. Try not to take these to heart>/li>
• Parents might typically worry about what others will say or think. They might not know much about being LGB. Encourage them to ask you questions and be open in answering them

Many times, people hesitate to come out because they fear discrimination. Some people come out to a select group of people while still others decide to be very open about being LGB. The choice is yours to make. Before coming out, weigh your personal pros and cons. Will your safety be compromised? Will it mean losing more than you are willing to give up? Do you have adequate means to support yourself in case your family decides not to?

The norms of certain families and cultures might make it very difficult for them to accept an LGB person. Do not feel compelled to do anything that does not feel right for you. Consider whether hiding your sexual identity is more or less stressful than being open about it.

Remember, you do not need to be apologetic or ashamed about who you are. Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgmental, safe and professional environment has been helpful for many people grappling with the coming out crisis. You could speak to a counsellor about your thoughts and feelings to gain clarity about what you want to do.

References:

• LaSala (2000) Lesbians, Gay Men, and Their Parents:Family Therapy for the Coming-Out Crisis. Family Process, Vol. 39, No. 1.
• Revel & Riot, Resources, Coming out http://www.revelandriot.com/resources/coming-out/
• American psychiatric association website (2014) LGBT Sexual orientation http://www.psychiatry.org/lgbt-sexual-orientation/
• AVERTing HIV and AIDS (2014) http://www.avert.org/coming-out.htm/
• Stonewall (2014) http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/coming_out/
• FFLAG (2012) How do I tell my parents http://www.fflag.org.uk/images/pdf/parents2012.pdf
• American Psychiatric Association brochure (2008) Answers to Your Questions
  For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation & Homosexuality

Boundaries in counselling

In my previous article, I described counselling as "a process of healing, which is defined by certain boundaries". To understand what counselling is, and how it works, it is important to know the meaning of boundaries. Literally speaking, they are limits which are mutually agreed upon, in order to ensure the safety and well-being of both clients and counsellors.

Boundaries are behaviour patterns that are agreed upon between a client and counsellor (for example, beginning each session at a pre-decided time). Such boundaries help to give a structure to the relationship. They ensure the smooth running of the process. Some boundaries are implicit. Such as refraining from a romantic or sexual relationship with a client. Others are discussed with the client and can be negotiated. Laying down and respecting boundaries are core aspects of a successful counselling relationship.

In any counselling setup, it is the responsibility of the counsellor to uphold the safety and well-being of their clients. A lot of times, people come to counselling because there is some sort of chaos or disorder in their lives. In the process of finding meaning in this chaos, it is important to have some sort of structure to hold you up. Boundaries are this support net. In this sense, they have both structural and functional value. Open discussion of expected patterns and behaviours allows you, as a client, to feel a sense of security.

To read more about boundaries click here.