The balance between holding on and letting go

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go” -Rumi

What does the term ‘holding on’ bring to mind? Something to lean on when you stumble? Something that is precious to you?

You are defined by what you hold on to. You hold on to people, beliefs, possessions, opinions, memories... Over time, these form what you identify as 'norm'. And together, these become your comfort zone - their familiarity lending a sense of safety. You feel defined by what you choose to hold on to.

However, you could also be holding on to anger, guilt, regrets, grudges... You could be holding on to a relationship that has ended. Or a person that has chosen to move on. Or the life you used to live. You might not consciously be of aware when the comfort zone became a stifling stranglehold; something that is draining you of energy in an unhealthy manner.

Learning to let go may be one of the most difficult things you do. The idea of letting go can seem painful, the thought of a future without this person or relationship or possession can seem overwhelming. However, holding on could be hurting you much more than letting go would.

Letting go makes room for healthier, more fulfilling and authentic things. We need less of what depletes our health, and more of what rejuvenates and reenergizes us. We open ourselves to new opportunities and beginnings by ceasing to hold and control toxic, unhealthy things.

Take a moment to reflect on what you are holding on to. Ask yourself if this is in fact, holding you back. What prevents you from letting go?

Finding your Mind's Oasis

An oasis is a patch of green amidst a desert landscape. Historically, these have been spots for merchants and traders to rest and replenish their resources. With the stresses of our lives, we too need an oasis – to relax and reflect; to regain our inner balance and to be able to face our challenges with renewed energy. Taking some time for yourself is not just helpful, but necessary! We know all too well the risks of burnout and exhaustion. It isn’t always possible to make drastic changes in your lifestyle and cut back on the work load. However, despite these limitations, there is one thing that everyone can do. And that is finding a little time on a regular basis – perhaps once a week or fortnight – and dedicate this to doing anything that you find joy in.

Taking some time for yourself is not just helpful, but necessary! We know all too well the risks of burnout and exhaustion. It isn’t always possible to make drastic changes in your lifestyle and cut back on the work load. However, despite these limitations, there is one thing that everyone can do: finding a little time on a regular basis – perhaps once a week or fortnight – and dedicate this to doing anything that you find joy in.

It doesn’t have to be any particular activity. In fact, it doesn’t have to be an activity at all if that suits you best! You might find joy in reading a book, or running or painting or listening to music or meeting people or visiting a spa. Whatever it is you choose to do, remember to enjoy this time without guilt or worry.

If you practice this on a regular basis, you will start to see the effect yourself. Feeling energized, happier and more connected to people around you are just some of the outcomes of setting aside time for yourself.

5 things Counselling is NOT!

5. Advice

Counseling is not the same as giving advice. Advice is judgmental; it assumes that you need to be told what's right for you. A counselor doesn’t tell you what to do. They will guide you in finding your solution, and not impose their solutions on you. Being told what to do fosters dependence, and counseling aims just the opposite – to empower you to face such challenges in the future. Your counselor may at times suggest possible behaviors or actions, however the decision to implement it would be left to you.

4. Instant solution

Counseling does not give you instant solutions. It gives you an opportunity to gain clearer understanding of yourself and the situation. Often this leads to identification of beliefs or behaviors, which have prevailed for many years, and have been contributing to the problem. Learning new behaviors or modifying longstanding beliefs takes time and effort. You will be setting yourself up for disappointment if you go in expecting a miraculous solution to all your problems. Instead, look at counseling as a place where you will learn the skills needed not only to address the current situation, but also to handle future challenges.

3. Judgmental

Counseling gives you a safe, confidential space where you can be yourself and speak your mind without the fear of being judged. A counselor is not going to judge or criticize you. Instead, they will encourage you to speak freely and extend unconditional acceptance of who you are.

2. “Just talking”

Your counselor will give you uninterrupted space to speak, when that is what you need. However, unlike what stereotypes would have you believe, counseling is not an hour of talking to a silent spectator and getting a ‘verdict’ at the end. Most counseling sessions are interactive and collaborative, with the counselor reflecting on and occasionally asking you questions about what you have shared.

1. Indulgent

"Just treat yourself to something nice and get over it!"

This is perhaps the most detrimental stereotype about counseling as well as any mental health support! Counseling is not an indulgent pass-time for those with spare time and money. Or, it is only as indulgent as going to a doctor when you are unwell. Or eating food when you are hungry! Looking after your well-being is often overlooked, leading to disastrous consequences – not only for yourself but also for your loved ones.

4 Simple Steps to Booking Your First Online Counselling Session

Maybe you have thought of talking to a counsellor. Maybe someone you know needs to speak to one. However, despite having the right intent, you never really got down to visiting one. You probably searched on Google a few times before something else took up your time and attention. Or you couldn't find one whose timings matched your schedule. I want to make it super easy for you to speak to a counsellor. All you need to do is follow these 4 Simple Steps:

1. Log in to Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/aditikdcounsellor/ )
2. Click on "Book Now" to reserve an appointment
3. Pay online to confirm
4. Connect with me at the time of your session via audio/video call

Yes, that's all. It really is that simple!

I have available evening and late evening slots to make it easier to reach out at your convenience. Feel free to connect through Facebook or email (aditikdcounsellor@gmail.com) if you have any queries about this. 

Personal Well-being and Self-care

A woman juggles with multiple roles and expectations on a daily basis. With increasing demands being put on her time and attention, self-care often gets neglected. If you are one of the many women who consider taking care of their well-being is a luxury that they cannot afford, read on.

The incidence of mental health problems among women is on the rise. Depression, anxiety and poor self-image are conditions that women are more prone to than men. One of my female counselling clients used a beautiful metaphor to describe her condition. She shared that she felt like a well out of which people were always drawing out water. She feared that soon she would run out of anything to give.

Just like a well, if not replenished, runs out of water, similarly, any individual who is only expending her resources and not adding to them, will begin to experience the effects of burnout. This includes struggling to keep up with your daily tasks, disorientation, forgetfulness, frequent fatigue and tiredness. In the short run, even though you feel tired, you believe this is in the best interest of your family or spouse or career. In reality though, by neglecting your own well-being, you are doing not only yourself injustice, but are also risking the well-being of those who depend on you.

Here are some simple tips to get you started with self-care:

Get adequate rest – An average adult needs 7 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep daily. Health benefits of regular sleeping patterns include higher performance, enhanced memory and longer life-span. You are also more likely to be in a good mood if you are well rested and are able to make decisions more efficiently.

Learn to say No – If you find it difficult to say no, you probably take on more than you can handle. Your reasons for doing this may vary; maybe you don’t want a confrontation, or fear offending the other person, or you really want to help. This can lead to a lot of stress as well as guilt, if you are struggling to complete the expected tasks. An important aspect of taking care of yourself is to be able to realistically assess how much you will be able to handle, and to assertively refuse what is beyond your capacity.

Ask for help – There is no shame in asking for help. If you are feeling overworked, don’t hesitate to reach out to family members to lend you a hand. In most cases, asking is all it takes. People who care about you will be happy to help you out. In case this is not an option, consider hiring help to ease your burden.

Eat healthy – Apart from having the right amounts and nutrients, it is essential that you have your meals at regular intervals. Adding salads, fruits and vegetables to your meals gives you the nutrients necessary for warding off a number of physical ailments.  A balanced diet and the appropriate intake of nutrients and fibres keeps you fit, giving you more energy to cope with the demands of a hectic life.

Take time out for yourself – Spend at least a few hours every week with yourself, either doing something you find relaxing or just reflecting on the week that’s gone by.  This is not an indulgence, but an investment in nurturing your sense of identity. It will give you the opportunity to work your way through any disorienting thoughts, and allow you to be a better partner, parent, friend and above all, a calmer individual.

Get active – Physical activity boosts the release of Endorphins – which are neurotransmitters responsible for positive effects such as feeling of euphoria, modulation of appetite and an enhancement of immune response. This helps in coping better with stress. Research suggests that in addition to physiological benefits, exercise helps in clearer thinking and maintaining a more positive outlook. Start with something you can easily add to your routine, gradually increasing the time and intensity.

Eat healthy – Apart from having the right amounts and nutrients, it is essential that you have your meals at regular intervals. Adding salads, fruits and vegetables to your meals gives you the nutrients necessary for warding off a number of physical ailments.  A balanced diet and the appropriate intake of nutrients and fibres keeps you fit, giving you more energy to cope with the demands of a hectic life. As a woman, you must ensure that you consume foods rich in iron and calcium.

Start out with small steps – Don’t be overwhelmed by the idea of making so many changes in your routine. Start small; take your time to work out a healthier lifestyle for yourself. And even if you don’t see the effects immediately, don’t give up.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/women-2/personal-well-being-and-self-care

Understanding the signs of alcohol dependence

Understanding the signs of alcohol dependence

A pint of beer or a glass of wine with your meal… a drink after work to unwind… What might start as harmless drinking, can sometimes develop into a drinking problem. The line between drinking for leisure and drinking out of habit or dependence may get blurred sooner than you realise. In many settings, alcohol is such an integral part of socialising and celebration that it is easy to lose sight of the fact that if moderation and control in not exercised, it can produce dependence and even addiction. Sometimes alcohol use grows into abuse and dependence after a stressful life event such as a loss, bereavement or break-up. At other times, dependence develops as your body’s tolerance of alcohol increases due to regular binge drinking.

It is important to note that there are varying degrees of alcohol dependence and they don’t always involve excessive levels of drinking. If you have been relying on alcohol for relief or coping, you are susceptible to alcohol abuse and dependence. Even a regular compulsion to drink is a cause for concern. The urge to drink alone often, a strong need for a drink nearly every day and neglecting other activities because of the urge to drink are some of the early warning signals. If you notice these in yourself or in someone around you, it needs to be addressed before the dependence turns to addiction.

How alcohol affects your body and mind:

The immediate effects of alcohol consumption include slurred speech, loss of balance, lowered inhibitions and increased reaction time. Sustained consumption leads to long-term effects such as the risk of developing high blood pressure, stroke, coronary heart disease and liver disease. The liver is the most susceptible to alcohol-related injury because it is the primary organ responsible for alcohol metabolism. This means, that it is the liver which breaks down alcohol in our body, and the bi-products of this metabolism have damaging effects on the liver tissue.

Apart from the physiological complications arising out of alcohol dependence, it also makes a person vulnerable to a host of psychological problems. Drinking problems put a great strain on the people around you. Family and other relationships suffer tremendously as a result of dependence on alcohol. Research suggests that alcoholics and alcohol abusers are much more likely to get divorced, have problems with domestic violence and struggle with unemployment. Anxiety, depression, reckless behaviour and suicidal thoughts can also manifest as a result of regular dependence on alcohol.  It can also lead to reduced attention to personal well-being and professional responsibilities.

Why is early detection important?

Apart from the obvious reason of avoiding the harmful effects mentioned above, it is essential to detect and deal with the problem of alcohol dependence in the early stages because consumption in large quantities or on a regular basis, or both, can lead to chemical changes in the brain.

Consuming more quantities of alcohol without feeling the immediate effects is a sign of increasing tolerance. It does not protect you from the harmful effects, but rather masks these till they are too severe. If you or someone around you has been drinking without feeling any ill-effects, it is an indication that you/they have been drinking too much. Once the brain gets habituated to the presence of alcohol, it can get increasingly difficult to quit, hence it is important that you heed to the warning signs even in the absence of immediate effects.

Overcoming dependence takes a strong desire on the part of the affected individual, along with a strong social support from loved ones. The withdrawal symptoms which result from stopping intake of alcohol may discourage people from continuing the process of getting off alcohol. With therapeutic support from a counsellor, these inhibitions and challenges can be successfully overcome.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/addiction/understanding-the-signs-of-alcohol-dependence 

References for further information:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/alcoholism-and-alcohol-abuse.htm

http://www.drinksmarter.org/health-and-wellbeing/alcohol-tolerance

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/alcoholism-and-problem-drinking

http://www.timberlineknolls.com/alcohol-addiction/signs-effects

Exploring Alcohol’s Effects on Liver Function by JACQUELYN J. MAHER (Alcohol Health & Research World) VOL. 21, NO. 1, 1997 http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh21-1/05.pdf

Thinking of Divorce?

If your mind has been riddled with thoughts of divorce lately, if you have been wondering if this is the only way out, do not be overwhelmed. Remember that doubting the relationship does not inevitably culminate in divorce. The end of a marriage can be a relief for some, while prove to be quite stressful for others. In both scenarios, both partners are highly likely to go through a range of intense emotions in the process of getting a divorce. Often, individuals contemplating separation or divorce face a number of dilemmas, which add to the ambiguity of the already complex situation. You need to give yourself the time and space to think this through without any undue pressure. This is often easier said than done!  If you are having a tough time deciding, here are a few important things to keep in mind:

Reflect on your expectations from marriage and your spouse (and how far are they being met?)

Before you decide that divorce is the solution your marital woes, take a moment to reflect on what it is that you expect from the marriage and your partner. Have these expectations remained the same over time, or changed? It is natural for roles and expectations to evolve over time. However, it is important that both partners are aware of what is expected out of them. Open communication about your needs, and openness towards hearing your partner’s needs help in reducing both ambiguity and frustration. It is a cause for concern if despite repeated attempts at voicing your expectations you feel unheard and unappreciated. You need to decide whether this can be resolved by better communication, or you feel this is beyond repair.

What has changed?

It is quite unlikely that your relationship was this way from the start. Can you think back to a time when you were happy in the marriage? What has changed from then? What remains the same? Chances are that there are still some things about your marriage that are workable or in working condition. This is not to deny that there might be a number of things that are stagnant or even deteriorating. The fact that you are thinking about divorce is proof enough for this. The thing to focus on here is whether the workable bits of the relationship can be salvaged, as well as, if there is any scope for resolving the issues that are pulling you both down.

Is this a way to get back at your spouse?

There may be a number of reasons why you feel your marriage is on the rocks. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated by your partner, or you no longer feel connected to them. There might be resentment, dissatisfaction. Anger and hurt that has accumulated over a period of time. In any case, it is in your best interest to try to figure out what your motive is in seeking divorce. Is it a well thought out, clear-headed decision? Many times, the decision to separate is based on anger or other strong emotions. Are you thinking of divorce in a reactive or vengeful manner? If this is true then it is unlikely that the feelings will go away even after the marriage ends. Divorce sought to make the partner miserable or to teach them a lesson is unlikely to be of any good to you.

Are you prepared for the consequences of divorce?

The dilemma you feel is absolutely valid. The decision to divorce is rarely easy or straightforward. Perhaps the most important thing that will help you is an honest appraisal of the consequences – of both divorce and staying married. Take a few minutes to picture all the consequences of divorce could possibly have on your life. A number of things that are a part of your life now may need to go post-divorce. This will include both good and bad aspects. Similarly there will be new roles and responsibilities. This is especially true if you have kids. How do you feel about the new life you picture for yourself? Try to be as objective as possible about it.

In my experience, it can be really taxing to put yourself through this process all alone. In most cases, talking to well-meaning family and friends can end up leaving you even more confused. I recommend that you speak to a relationship counsellor for an objective and professional opinion. It will give you a safe, non-judgmental and empowering space to make an informed decision, and provide you support in dealing with any difficult emotions that might come up.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/relationships/thinking-of-divorce-answer-these-questions-first

Advice Column TOI - My wife is possessive about my best friend

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-is-possessive-about-my-best-friend/articleshow/47326751.cms

Question: I introduced my wife to my best friend a couple of years ago and since then, they became good friends. I used to notice my wife's affectiontowards my friend often but I chose to ignore it. However, my friend got married recently and since then, my wife has started interfering in his married life. She doesn't approve of my friend's wife and wants to take all his life's decisions.

I am unable to understand if she's actually in love with him and if not, then why does she want to include him every time we go for personal outings? Please advise as how should I deal with my wife without offending her or making it sound as if I don't trust her. - By Anonymous


Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Talk to her; share your concerns without accusing or demeaning. Focus on how you are feeling rather than what she is doing wrong. You clearly care a lot about her feelings and don't want to offend her. Try to convey this when you speak to her. Remember that not talking about it will only make things worse. Her affection for your friend could be harmless, and since you don't have any evidence to think otherwise, it's best to hear out her version.
All relationships are defined by certain boundaries. In the case of marriage, these boundaries need to be mutually set and respected by both partners. If either partner feels that these boundaries are repeatedly being flouted, then rather than ignoring or brushing it under the carpet, they must discuss this openly. In your case, your wife spending time with your best friend, including him in personal outings, or disapproving of his wife, are indications of boundary violations.

There is nothing wrong in her being friendly with him. However, considering the discomfort this is putting you in, I suggest that you share your concerns with her instead of letting the suspicion fester.

Let her know how important it is for you to spend some time with just her. Both of you should communicate any misgivings openly. Pent up frustrations may find outlets in disturbing ways. And the best way to avoid this is to discuss things openly as and when they crop up.

Raising Happy Children Post Divorce

Mona – a 26 year old teacher – has strongly negative feelings about marriage. She attributes it to her parents’ turbulent relationship and subsequent divorce almost ten years ago. She recalls being a confused 17 year old when her parents decided to end the marriage. During her teens she frequently found herself caught amidst the crossfire, often being forced to take sides.

Viren is a 20 year old college student, and like Mona, witnessed his parents’ divorce at a young age. He, however, views the experience quite differently. According to him, his parents are much happier now than they were together. He remembers being reassured by his mother that the only change he had to deal with was that his parents would live in different houses. He feels that both his mother and father made every effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for him. Even though he initially felt bad about them not being together, he has now made his peace with it.

Sharing responsibility for children is one of the biggest challenges for divorced couples. The ideal scenario would be when the adults put aside their differences and focus on the child’s needs. This, of course, is easier said than done. Since a lot of marriages end on a bitter note, planning something with the person you wish didn’t even exist can be difficult (to put it mildly).

However, the common stereotype that children of divorced parents are emotionally disadvantaged or damaged is far from the truth. There are as many Monas and there are Virens. That is to say that how parents cope with the divorce determines the impact it has on the children. And yes, it is possible to raise happy children after a divorce.

A child needs a nurturing environment to thrive, irrespective of whether the parents are together or divorced.  Some things to keep in mind to ensure your children’s well-being during and post-divorce:

Prepare your children for upcoming change

Either in their effort to shield the children, or based on the assumption that they will eventually cope, adults don’t share much about the impending separation with the kids. This can lead to poor adjustment and even an assumption on the part of the child that he/she is responsible for the divorce. It is essential that both parents explain – in an age appropriate manner – about the changes that the child will experience in the coming weeks. They should be assured that they will still be loved unconditionally and that they are in no way responsible for this.

Recognize and maintain boundaries

Depending on how your marriage ended, you may or may not harbour strong negative feelings towards your ex. Remember that even if you don’t like your ex anymore, they will always be your child’s parent. Don’t let your feelings towards your ex affect the child’s relationship with them. Give them a chance to develop a healthy relationship independent of your misgivings, and without feeling any guilt.

Don’t put them in a spot

Your children need both parents. Putting them in an awkward situation where they have to take sides can prove highly detrimental to their personality development. Don’t encourage them to talk poorly of your ex. Don’t give them information that they don’t need to hear, including any annoying/negative behaviours on your ex’s part.

Stability

More than anything else, a child needs a stable nurturing environment to thrive and grow. Divorce brings with it numerous changes in routines, patterns and expectations that the child has gotten used to. As a parent, try to provide maximum level of stability. This may involve coordination with your ex. Try to smoothen the transition by putting new routines into practice and sticking to them. Another aspect of maintaining stability is consistent parenting. Stick to rules that were in place before divorce. Some parents might feel guilty and as a result become either too lenient or over-indulgent. Remember that such an attitude will only prove detrimental to your child’s development.

Get help

It is possible that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. Negative feelings that often accompany divorce can adversely affect your children. You are one of your child’s primary role models, and to ensure that you don’t pass on any resentment or bitterness to them, you need to work through your feelings. If you find yourself struggling with emotional difficulties, make sure you get professional help. Talking to a counsellor will give you a healthy outlet for any pent up frustrations or insecurities. Venting out to your child – no matter how receptive or mature they seem – is never a good idea.

Be receptive to cues from your children

Children are often unable to directly express the sadness or confusion they feel. Depending on their age, they might resort to different behaviours which indicate their distress. For example, a five year old may react by being excessively clingy or irritable; an 8 year old may become increasingly withdrawn; on the other hand a 15 year old may resort to defiant or aggressive behaviour. Keep an eye on any signs of excessive behaviours or reactions in your children. They need your reassurance and support to cope with the change. It may also be useful to seek therapy depending on the severity of their reaction.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/parenting/raising-happy-children-post-divorce