Advice Column TOI - How should I treat my cheating husband?

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/How-should-I-treat-my-cheating-husband/articleshow/47614758.cms

Question: ​I am a 26-year-old married woman with a 6 months old daughter. The biggest problem of my life is my philandering husband. We married one and a half years ago and before that we were engaged for a year. Despite being an arranged marriage, I fell madly in love with him. But I recently found out that he was having an affair with his ex. We ended up arguing on the issue and they went on for days. Every time he promised that he will not do anything to hurt me but always failed to live up to his words. He's a very flirtatious guy and can pursue just about any girl. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because of my daughter, but he is not trustworthy at all. Over time my love for him has turned into deep hatred but my family is insisting that I should live with him for the sake of my daughter. Please give me some solution to change his behavior.​ - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni:  As much as you wish to change your husband's behaviour, there is little you can do unless he chooses to change it himself. Your experience hints that you might be at the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some typical signs of emotional abuse include refusing to communicate, ignoring, extramarital affairs and provocative behaviour with opposite sex, unreasonable blame, belittling and humiliating behaviour. If you identify with these, it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship.

I recommend that you seek counselling from a qualified professional at the earliest if that is the case. Counselling will help you to rebuild your confidence and to gain clarity about what you wish to do. Contemplating separation is often difficult when there is a child involved, and family pressure makes it even more complicated. Instead of jumping to a hasty conclusion, I urge you to talk to a counsellor. It might be useful for you and your husband to see a couple therapist too.

Trust is one of the most important elements of any relationship. By living in a marriage where there is no trust, you are at risk of becoming bitter, which can have negative consequences for your daughter's development. For her best interest, if possible, you and your husband together need to work on how you want your relationship to progress.

Relationship Advice Column in TOI - My wife abuses me physically

Question: When a man hits a woman, she finds a billion supporters but nobody supports a man when he's beaten by a wife. I am in such a marriage. My wife resorts to physical violence whenever she gets angry. Initially, she used to throw stuff at me but now she has started hitting me too. She gets angry on little things and doesn't allow me to meet my friends and regularly checks my phone.

I have never hit her in return but I feel that she's ripping of my dignity. I don't know how to control her anger and stop her from doing this. Please help. - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Violence is never an acceptable form of expression, whether it comes from a man or a woman. It is usually more difficult for men to admit that they are at the receiving end of abuse from their spouse since this does not conform to societal stereotypes. In the recent decades however, there has been a rise in the number of instances of husbands being physically abused by their wives.

I appreciate that you have never hit her back, as this would have only made matters worse. Your feeling helpless is a natural response to the way you are being treated in this relationship. Her reaction is unacceptable and you should not hold yourself responsible for not being able to 'control' it.

My suggestion is, try to speak to your wife when she has cooled down to try to understand her motivation for resorting to violence. Many times, listening to your partner patiently and making a genuine effort to understand what they want goes a long way in reducing their anger. It may also be the case that the things she wants are unreasonable or out of reach. Emphasise on the fact that though you have sympathy for what she is going through, but you cannot tolerate physical violence.

Both of you can try to identify the things that make her angry and violent, and then figure out whether these can be avoided or changed in any way. Mutually agree upon what is acceptable within your relationship and what isn't. It is always more beneficial to have this conversation in the presence of a qualified relationship counsellor. Your counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and enable you to communicate your concerns in a safe and confidential environment. Your wife might be more willing to see a professional if you suggest working on the relationship rather than asking her to 'get fixed' or 'change'. Professional advice about anger management and healthier ways of coping with anger outbursts will also be useful.

I don't know if you have children, but if you do, it is all the more essential for you to seek counselling right away as witnessing violence between parents has a long-lasting negative impact on kids. If your wife is unwilling to seek therapy, you can start with individual counselling sessions for yourself. These will help you to regain your confidence and manage her outbursts in a more assertive manner. Once she sees how you are benefiting from counselling, she might be motivated to try it too.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-abuses-me-physically/articleshow/47160716.cms