Thinking of Divorce?

If your mind has been riddled with thoughts of divorce lately, if you have been wondering if this is the only way out, do not be overwhelmed. Remember that doubting the relationship does not inevitably culminate in divorce. The end of a marriage can be a relief for some, while prove to be quite stressful for others. In both scenarios, both partners are highly likely to go through a range of intense emotions in the process of getting a divorce. Often, individuals contemplating separation or divorce face a number of dilemmas, which add to the ambiguity of the already complex situation. You need to give yourself the time and space to think this through without any undue pressure. This is often easier said than done!  If you are having a tough time deciding, here are a few important things to keep in mind:

Reflect on your expectations from marriage and your spouse (and how far are they being met?)

Before you decide that divorce is the solution your marital woes, take a moment to reflect on what it is that you expect from the marriage and your partner. Have these expectations remained the same over time, or changed? It is natural for roles and expectations to evolve over time. However, it is important that both partners are aware of what is expected out of them. Open communication about your needs, and openness towards hearing your partner’s needs help in reducing both ambiguity and frustration. It is a cause for concern if despite repeated attempts at voicing your expectations you feel unheard and unappreciated. You need to decide whether this can be resolved by better communication, or you feel this is beyond repair.

What has changed?

It is quite unlikely that your relationship was this way from the start. Can you think back to a time when you were happy in the marriage? What has changed from then? What remains the same? Chances are that there are still some things about your marriage that are workable or in working condition. This is not to deny that there might be a number of things that are stagnant or even deteriorating. The fact that you are thinking about divorce is proof enough for this. The thing to focus on here is whether the workable bits of the relationship can be salvaged, as well as, if there is any scope for resolving the issues that are pulling you both down.

Is this a way to get back at your spouse?

There may be a number of reasons why you feel your marriage is on the rocks. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated by your partner, or you no longer feel connected to them. There might be resentment, dissatisfaction. Anger and hurt that has accumulated over a period of time. In any case, it is in your best interest to try to figure out what your motive is in seeking divorce. Is it a well thought out, clear-headed decision? Many times, the decision to separate is based on anger or other strong emotions. Are you thinking of divorce in a reactive or vengeful manner? If this is true then it is unlikely that the feelings will go away even after the marriage ends. Divorce sought to make the partner miserable or to teach them a lesson is unlikely to be of any good to you.

Are you prepared for the consequences of divorce?

The dilemma you feel is absolutely valid. The decision to divorce is rarely easy or straightforward. Perhaps the most important thing that will help you is an honest appraisal of the consequences – of both divorce and staying married. Take a few minutes to picture all the consequences of divorce could possibly have on your life. A number of things that are a part of your life now may need to go post-divorce. This will include both good and bad aspects. Similarly there will be new roles and responsibilities. This is especially true if you have kids. How do you feel about the new life you picture for yourself? Try to be as objective as possible about it.

In my experience, it can be really taxing to put yourself through this process all alone. In most cases, talking to well-meaning family and friends can end up leaving you even more confused. I recommend that you speak to a relationship counsellor for an objective and professional opinion. It will give you a safe, non-judgmental and empowering space to make an informed decision, and provide you support in dealing with any difficult emotions that might come up.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/relationships/thinking-of-divorce-answer-these-questions-first

Coming Out

Here's a link to my article about "coming out" on the Talk it Over website...

http://www.talkitover.in/romantic-relationships/coming-out-acknowledging-your-sexual-orientation-to-others/

Asha is a well-educated, independent young woman of 25. She lives with her parents and younger brother. Around the age of 15, she first discovered that she felt emotionally and sexually attracted to girls. Despite the initial turmoil, she has grown comfortable with her sexual identity and considers it to be a valuable part of herself. She has come out to a few of her friends. However, she hasn’t been able to come out to her parents yet, who she considers strict and conservative. She worries that they will hate her if she tells them that she is gay. But she can’t stand keeping it a secret anymore. Also, there is talk of finding a suitable groom for her.
What would you do if you were in Asha’s place? How would you deal with the situation?

Coming out – what does it mean?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), coming out is the process of acknowledging and accepting one’s own sexual orientation as gay, lesbian or bisexual (LGB). Sexual minorities are not limited to lesbian gay and bisexual. This article however focuses on coming out experiences of individuals who identify themselves as LGB. It also includes the process of disclosing one’s sexual orientation to others. Unlike the stereotypical view, coming out to others is not a one-time thing. It may occur on numerous occasions when a person identifies him/herself as LGB to friends, family and significant others.

Coming out experiences are unique to each individual, and even though it is a challenging process, many people find it to be an empowering and enriching experience. With adequate support, it can prove to be a very positive experience. This article will familiarize you with the basics of coming out, its possible outcomes and how to prepare for them.

What does it feel like?

Coming out to yourself usually (though not always) takes place during adolescence – when you are at a stage of growing awareness regarding sexuality and identity. The process is neither unidirectional nor uniform. Each individual’s coming out experience is unique. However, most often it begins with a sense of being different. It may take weeks, months or even years for individuals to come to terms with this feeling. During this stage, feeling confused, unsure, angry, guilty, and even wanting to punish yourself are normal.

You might find your head crowded with questions such as:

• ‘Is it just a phase?’
• Why am I not attracted to the opposite sex?’
• ‘Am I abnormal?’
• ‘Is this wrong?’
• ‘How will I tell my friends/family?’
• ‘What will they say?’
• ‘Will I be teased/bullied if I tell people I am gay?’

A large part of overcoming the negative thoughts and feelings includes challenging your own homophobic assumptions and dealing with the denial. The difficulty in coming out to yourself is increased when you see stereotypes and prejudices about LGB people all around you. However, once you come to terms with your sexuality, you will feel good about accepting yourself and this will lay the foundation for building a healthy self-concept as well as healthier relationships. During this process, you must ensure that you are not being too hard on yourself. Some people find it useful to read more about other people’s coming out experiences. Others prefer joining online communities and interacting with people who have dealt with similar situations. Talking to a counsellor also proves beneficial when there is a lot of turmoil within you. Being aware of and accessing the available resources is essential.

Why come out?

Considering the discrimination and difficulties faced by LGB people, do you wonder why people come out at all? Wouldn’t life be simpler if you just pretended to be straight? The answer is, no. Even though social circumstances for an LGB person may seem bleak, living a lie is often much more difficult.

Research (LaSala, 2000) suggests that coming out is psychologically healthier than living in the closet. Your reasons for coming out could be varied; you might want support because of the overwhelming feelings or simply because you don’t want to hide it anymore. Whatever your reasons may be, coming out often eventually leads to more honest and stable relationships. Being open about oneself with others makes you better equipped to access social support, which is important for your psychological well-being.

Coming out to your family and friends

Who you tell first and how much you share with them is entirely your decision. Here are a few things to keep in mind while coming out to your loved ones:

• Each person’s family and social circle are different. Hence, there is no one full proof way of coming out. It helps to identify one person in your family or friends circle whom you trust, and share with them. Slowly you can share with the others
• Try to imagine and prepare for the reactions you might get from your parents, siblings or friends
• It is best if you come out when you are in a calm state of mind, and have enough time to say what you have to say. Coming out when you are angry or upset is not a good idea
• Some people find it helpful to mentally rehearse how they will tell their loved ones. You could say that you want to tell them because this is an important part of who you are and you trust that they will accept you for it. You might want to tell them what made you keep it a secret till now. Sharing your fears and apprehensions will help them to see what you are going through
• Be prepared for negative reactions. Some people may be surprisingly supportive and understanding; conversely, they might also show shock, anger or disbelief when you first tell them
• Remember that it took you time to accept your sexual identity. Give them time too. Their first reaction isn’t necessarily their final reaction. Once they have had time to process it, they might be more supportive
• Sometimes people say hurtful things when they are angry. Try not to take these to heart>/li>
• Parents might typically worry about what others will say or think. They might not know much about being LGB. Encourage them to ask you questions and be open in answering them

Many times, people hesitate to come out because they fear discrimination. Some people come out to a select group of people while still others decide to be very open about being LGB. The choice is yours to make. Before coming out, weigh your personal pros and cons. Will your safety be compromised? Will it mean losing more than you are willing to give up? Do you have adequate means to support yourself in case your family decides not to?

The norms of certain families and cultures might make it very difficult for them to accept an LGB person. Do not feel compelled to do anything that does not feel right for you. Consider whether hiding your sexual identity is more or less stressful than being open about it.

Remember, you do not need to be apologetic or ashamed about who you are. Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgmental, safe and professional environment has been helpful for many people grappling with the coming out crisis. You could speak to a counsellor about your thoughts and feelings to gain clarity about what you want to do.

References:

• LaSala (2000) Lesbians, Gay Men, and Their Parents:Family Therapy for the Coming-Out Crisis. Family Process, Vol. 39, No. 1.
• Revel & Riot, Resources, Coming out http://www.revelandriot.com/resources/coming-out/
• American psychiatric association website (2014) LGBT Sexual orientation http://www.psychiatry.org/lgbt-sexual-orientation/
• AVERTing HIV and AIDS (2014) http://www.avert.org/coming-out.htm/
• Stonewall (2014) http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/coming_out/
• FFLAG (2012) How do I tell my parents http://www.fflag.org.uk/images/pdf/parents2012.pdf
• American Psychiatric Association brochure (2008) Answers to Your Questions
  For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation & Homosexuality