The balance between holding on and letting go

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go” -Rumi

What does the term ‘holding on’ bring to mind? Something to lean on when you stumble? Something that is precious to you?

You are defined by what you hold on to. You hold on to people, beliefs, possessions, opinions, memories... Over time, these form what you identify as 'norm'. And together, these become your comfort zone - their familiarity lending a sense of safety. You feel defined by what you choose to hold on to.

However, you could also be holding on to anger, guilt, regrets, grudges... You could be holding on to a relationship that has ended. Or a person that has chosen to move on. Or the life you used to live. You might not consciously be of aware when the comfort zone became a stifling stranglehold; something that is draining you of energy in an unhealthy manner.

Learning to let go may be one of the most difficult things you do. The idea of letting go can seem painful, the thought of a future without this person or relationship or possession can seem overwhelming. However, holding on could be hurting you much more than letting go would.

Letting go makes room for healthier, more fulfilling and authentic things. We need less of what depletes our health, and more of what rejuvenates and reenergizes us. We open ourselves to new opportunities and beginnings by ceasing to hold and control toxic, unhealthy things.

Take a moment to reflect on what you are holding on to. Ask yourself if this is in fact, holding you back. What prevents you from letting go?

Advice Column TOI - My wife is possessive about my best friend

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-is-possessive-about-my-best-friend/articleshow/47326751.cms

Question: I introduced my wife to my best friend a couple of years ago and since then, they became good friends. I used to notice my wife's affectiontowards my friend often but I chose to ignore it. However, my friend got married recently and since then, my wife has started interfering in his married life. She doesn't approve of my friend's wife and wants to take all his life's decisions.

I am unable to understand if she's actually in love with him and if not, then why does she want to include him every time we go for personal outings? Please advise as how should I deal with my wife without offending her or making it sound as if I don't trust her. - By Anonymous


Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Talk to her; share your concerns without accusing or demeaning. Focus on how you are feeling rather than what she is doing wrong. You clearly care a lot about her feelings and don't want to offend her. Try to convey this when you speak to her. Remember that not talking about it will only make things worse. Her affection for your friend could be harmless, and since you don't have any evidence to think otherwise, it's best to hear out her version.
All relationships are defined by certain boundaries. In the case of marriage, these boundaries need to be mutually set and respected by both partners. If either partner feels that these boundaries are repeatedly being flouted, then rather than ignoring or brushing it under the carpet, they must discuss this openly. In your case, your wife spending time with your best friend, including him in personal outings, or disapproving of his wife, are indications of boundary violations.

There is nothing wrong in her being friendly with him. However, considering the discomfort this is putting you in, I suggest that you share your concerns with her instead of letting the suspicion fester.

Let her know how important it is for you to spend some time with just her. Both of you should communicate any misgivings openly. Pent up frustrations may find outlets in disturbing ways. And the best way to avoid this is to discuss things openly as and when they crop up.

Advice Column in TOI - I’m involved with a married woman. Help!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/Im-involved-with-a-married-woman-Help/articleshow/49333938.cms

Question: I met a woman in the most bizarre of circumstances – a common food group on Facebook. Soon, we started talking and I realized that she's married and has a two-year-old daughter. She mentioned to me that she adores her family but has drifted away emotionally and physically from her husband. I know that getting involved with a woman who is married is wrong and I did try to push the woman away but then she just kept coming closer and at some levels, even I was wrong to have gotten involved with her. Now things have gotten beyond control, we have been on dates, have spent days together at different hotels. I feel really guilty for doing this and desperately need an out; however, this woman is not letting me. I fear that she will probably do something to herself or to me if I tell her that I don’t want to continue this. I am very confused and am not sure how to approach this topic with her. Please can you help me here? The woman is extremely volatile, bordering crazy. I am really confused. – By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Being involved with a married person is bound to be complicated. You are absolutely right in recognizing this. I do hope that you also recognize that this is a shared responsibility wherein two consenting adults have allowed things to develop the way they have. It is natural for you to feel guilty and I understand your apprehension about discontinuing the relationship. However, if you do not intend to be with her in the long run, then it is in everyone’s best interest that you end this at the earliest.

I recommend that you tell her in a gentle and direct manner that you cannot be together any more. Avoid making it sound ambiguous by saying things like ‘I think we should stop seeing each other’ or ‘Maybe it’s time for us to part ways’. This ambiguity will only create possibilities for manipulation and further complications. You have described the lady in question as ‘extremely volatile’ and she is most likely in a vulnerable state. With such a person, it is easy to get caught up in a cycle of guilt and possibly, emotional abuse. Try to reflect on what your fears are. It might help to discuss this with a professional therapist or psychologist, who can help you gain clarity of thought. She/he will also be able to help you to recognize any symptoms of mental health pathology.

Relationship Advice Column in TOI - My wife abuses me physically

Question: When a man hits a woman, she finds a billion supporters but nobody supports a man when he's beaten by a wife. I am in such a marriage. My wife resorts to physical violence whenever she gets angry. Initially, she used to throw stuff at me but now she has started hitting me too. She gets angry on little things and doesn't allow me to meet my friends and regularly checks my phone.

I have never hit her in return but I feel that she's ripping of my dignity. I don't know how to control her anger and stop her from doing this. Please help. - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Violence is never an acceptable form of expression, whether it comes from a man or a woman. It is usually more difficult for men to admit that they are at the receiving end of abuse from their spouse since this does not conform to societal stereotypes. In the recent decades however, there has been a rise in the number of instances of husbands being physically abused by their wives.

I appreciate that you have never hit her back, as this would have only made matters worse. Your feeling helpless is a natural response to the way you are being treated in this relationship. Her reaction is unacceptable and you should not hold yourself responsible for not being able to 'control' it.

My suggestion is, try to speak to your wife when she has cooled down to try to understand her motivation for resorting to violence. Many times, listening to your partner patiently and making a genuine effort to understand what they want goes a long way in reducing their anger. It may also be the case that the things she wants are unreasonable or out of reach. Emphasise on the fact that though you have sympathy for what she is going through, but you cannot tolerate physical violence.

Both of you can try to identify the things that make her angry and violent, and then figure out whether these can be avoided or changed in any way. Mutually agree upon what is acceptable within your relationship and what isn't. It is always more beneficial to have this conversation in the presence of a qualified relationship counsellor. Your counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and enable you to communicate your concerns in a safe and confidential environment. Your wife might be more willing to see a professional if you suggest working on the relationship rather than asking her to 'get fixed' or 'change'. Professional advice about anger management and healthier ways of coping with anger outbursts will also be useful.

I don't know if you have children, but if you do, it is all the more essential for you to seek counselling right away as witnessing violence between parents has a long-lasting negative impact on kids. If your wife is unwilling to seek therapy, you can start with individual counselling sessions for yourself. These will help you to regain your confidence and manage her outbursts in a more assertive manner. Once she sees how you are benefiting from counselling, she might be motivated to try it too.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-abuses-me-physically/articleshow/47160716.cms

What to expect out of counselling

Your reason for going to a counsellor or contemplating going to a counsellor may vary from mild emotional disturbance to unbearable distress. Though the degree or nature of your problem may not be comparable to someone else’s, one thing that is common across people who seek counselling is that their situation is interfering with their life in one way or another. For most people, especially in the Indian context, the decision to see a professional for emotional troubles is a big one; often made after a lot of contemplation, and in a lot of cases, covered in a shroud of secrecy. The stigma attached to seeking therapy is a topic for another day. Today, let’s focus on what to expect out of counselling.

• First and foremost, counselling provides you with a warm, safe and confidential setting, where you can explore your concerns in the presence of a non-judgmental, qualified professional. Since this person (your counsellor) is an objective outsider, he/she does not have any personal agenda while understanding what you share. Your perspective is the only one they know.

• Counselling usually happens over a period of weekly sessions. The number of sessions or the period of time required will vary from person to person. It is difficult to give an exact number at the beginning of counselling. I find it a useful practice to schedule a ‘review’ session after 4 or 5 counselling sessions. This gives both the client and the counsellor an opportunity to look at the way things are progressing, and take into account what is working and what isn’t. Depending on the severity of the problem, a more realistic estimate of further sessions required can be made.

• Being open and honest during counselling will lead to clearer understanding of yourself and your context. Counsellors are trained to listen with empathy, but that’s not all they do. They will help you to read between the lines of your own words, giving you a better insight into yourself and the situation you are in.

• The counselling relationship is the cornerstone of any change you wish to see. You can make the most of your counselling experience if you actively engage in the process, rather than passively expecting advice. If there is anything about your counsellor that is bothering you, communicate it openly. A qualified counsellor will be able to consider your feedback in a positive manner and help you understand your misgivings better. Someone who seems rigid or judgmental towards you may not be best suited to address your needs. 

• Most counsellors will work collaboratively with you towards identifying therapy goals. Your counsellor should be able to help you to formulate realistic achievable targets. These goals are open to revision and modification, depending on your progress.

• Many a times, we unknowingly indulge in practices that are detrimental to our own betterment. For instance, a person who has had a string of bad relationships may be unconsciously choosing partners who are abusive, thereby maintaining the pattern. Counselling gives you an opportunity to identify any patterns or recurrent behaviours that may be maintaining the crisis situation. With the help of your counsellor, you can become more aware of your behaviours and learn ways to modify them.

• Counselling also involves some risk. Sometimes, clients experience an emotional upheaval – things that you didn’t think as relevant to your current problem or were not prepared to talk about, might come up. Some painful memories, which you had put away, may resurface. In addition, the changes you are beginning to experience may not be well received by the people in your life. However, these risks can be dealt with if you honestly discuss with your counsellor about how you are feeling. Working through these difficult feelings often leads to considerable personal growth and progress for the client.

• Sometimes, the ‘problems’ we take to counselling may be beyond its scope, or may require the assistance of another professional. For example, through the course of a few sessions a counsellor may suspect that your mood swings may be related to a clinical condition, or that your lack of appetite may need a doctor’s attention. In such a scenario, a counsellor refers the client to psychiatrist or a general physician, as required. There are many instances where a person benefits from continuing psychotherapy in addition to medical aid.

• A structured ending is perhaps the least talked about aspect of counselling. Considering the amount of time and money you invest in counselling, it is natural to want to ‘stop’ once things seem a little better. Many a times people may stop therapy quite suddenly, fearing that if they told the counsellor they wanted to stop, he/she may not ‘allow’ it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. A professional counsellor will never extend therapy beyond the required period of time. Also, as a client, you have complete authority to bring counselling to an end whenever you want to. However, it is in your best interest if you do this in a structured manner rather than quitting abruptly. A planned ending session will give you an opportunity to process your learning and progress and to give you a sense of closure.

If you have any queries or doubts about what to expect from counselling please feel free to contact me on aditikdcounsellor@gmail.com

Boundaries in counselling

In my previous article, I described counselling as "a process of healing, which is defined by certain boundaries". To understand what counselling is, and how it works, it is important to know the meaning of boundaries. Literally speaking, they are limits which are mutually agreed upon, in order to ensure the safety and well-being of both clients and counsellors.

Boundaries are behaviour patterns that are agreed upon between a client and counsellor (for example, beginning each session at a pre-decided time). Such boundaries help to give a structure to the relationship. They ensure the smooth running of the process. Some boundaries are implicit. Such as refraining from a romantic or sexual relationship with a client. Others are discussed with the client and can be negotiated. Laying down and respecting boundaries are core aspects of a successful counselling relationship.

In any counselling setup, it is the responsibility of the counsellor to uphold the safety and well-being of their clients. A lot of times, people come to counselling because there is some sort of chaos or disorder in their lives. In the process of finding meaning in this chaos, it is important to have some sort of structure to hold you up. Boundaries are this support net. In this sense, they have both structural and functional value. Open discussion of expected patterns and behaviours allows you, as a client, to feel a sense of security.

To read more about boundaries click here.