Advice Column TOI - How should I treat my cheating husband?

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/How-should-I-treat-my-cheating-husband/articleshow/47614758.cms

Question: ​I am a 26-year-old married woman with a 6 months old daughter. The biggest problem of my life is my philandering husband. We married one and a half years ago and before that we were engaged for a year. Despite being an arranged marriage, I fell madly in love with him. But I recently found out that he was having an affair with his ex. We ended up arguing on the issue and they went on for days. Every time he promised that he will not do anything to hurt me but always failed to live up to his words. He's a very flirtatious guy and can pursue just about any girl. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because of my daughter, but he is not trustworthy at all. Over time my love for him has turned into deep hatred but my family is insisting that I should live with him for the sake of my daughter. Please give me some solution to change his behavior.​ - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni:  As much as you wish to change your husband's behaviour, there is little you can do unless he chooses to change it himself. Your experience hints that you might be at the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some typical signs of emotional abuse include refusing to communicate, ignoring, extramarital affairs and provocative behaviour with opposite sex, unreasonable blame, belittling and humiliating behaviour. If you identify with these, it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship.

I recommend that you seek counselling from a qualified professional at the earliest if that is the case. Counselling will help you to rebuild your confidence and to gain clarity about what you wish to do. Contemplating separation is often difficult when there is a child involved, and family pressure makes it even more complicated. Instead of jumping to a hasty conclusion, I urge you to talk to a counsellor. It might be useful for you and your husband to see a couple therapist too.

Trust is one of the most important elements of any relationship. By living in a marriage where there is no trust, you are at risk of becoming bitter, which can have negative consequences for your daughter's development. For her best interest, if possible, you and your husband together need to work on how you want your relationship to progress.

Advice Column in TOI - I’m involved with a married woman. Help!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/Im-involved-with-a-married-woman-Help/articleshow/49333938.cms

Question: I met a woman in the most bizarre of circumstances – a common food group on Facebook. Soon, we started talking and I realized that she's married and has a two-year-old daughter. She mentioned to me that she adores her family but has drifted away emotionally and physically from her husband. I know that getting involved with a woman who is married is wrong and I did try to push the woman away but then she just kept coming closer and at some levels, even I was wrong to have gotten involved with her. Now things have gotten beyond control, we have been on dates, have spent days together at different hotels. I feel really guilty for doing this and desperately need an out; however, this woman is not letting me. I fear that she will probably do something to herself or to me if I tell her that I don’t want to continue this. I am very confused and am not sure how to approach this topic with her. Please can you help me here? The woman is extremely volatile, bordering crazy. I am really confused. – By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Being involved with a married person is bound to be complicated. You are absolutely right in recognizing this. I do hope that you also recognize that this is a shared responsibility wherein two consenting adults have allowed things to develop the way they have. It is natural for you to feel guilty and I understand your apprehension about discontinuing the relationship. However, if you do not intend to be with her in the long run, then it is in everyone’s best interest that you end this at the earliest.

I recommend that you tell her in a gentle and direct manner that you cannot be together any more. Avoid making it sound ambiguous by saying things like ‘I think we should stop seeing each other’ or ‘Maybe it’s time for us to part ways’. This ambiguity will only create possibilities for manipulation and further complications. You have described the lady in question as ‘extremely volatile’ and she is most likely in a vulnerable state. With such a person, it is easy to get caught up in a cycle of guilt and possibly, emotional abuse. Try to reflect on what your fears are. It might help to discuss this with a professional therapist or psychologist, who can help you gain clarity of thought. She/he will also be able to help you to recognize any symptoms of mental health pathology.

Advice Column in TOI - Internet says, I’m depressed

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/Internet-says-Im-depressed/articleshow/49382752.cms

Question: I'm a 19-year-old girl, studying and staying with my relatives in another city. For about several months, I felt like a failure, worthless and had suicidal thoughts. I also had a problem concentrating and used to miss my classes, just to stay at home. But I couldn't make anything out of all of this.

However, I recently realized that I have lost interest in my daily activities and do things slower than before. I often find myself sleeping too much as waking up takes a lot of effort. I feel exhausted even after doing nothing much and have no energy left for studying. I don't know what my interests are anymore. I'm lacking self-care and sometimes I just do reckless things.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for many things, which I can't even express. So, I took depression screening tests on multiple websites and the result said that I may have mild to moderate depression. I don't know what I should do next?

I don't want my parents to worry for my mental issues, as they are already in stress about my two failed attempts at CA-CPT. What should I do? - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: This does sound alarmingly similar to depression. Unlike the way this term is used in daily conversation, depression is more than just momentary low mood. It is one of the most common mental health conditions and if left untreated can have incapacitating effects on your health and well-being.

I urge you to speak to a psychologist right away! The longer you wait, the more challenging it will get to cope with these symptoms. A psychologist would be able to diagnose whether this is actually depression or a related condition. She/he will also help you understand your state of mind and cope with the difficult feelings.
I understand your hesitation about speaking to your parents, but I do hope you have been talking to someone about this. A supportive network of friends and family has a very positive impact on overall wellness.The sense of worthlessness and guilt are all part of the depressive episode, and I am positive that you will overcome this with the right professional support.

Tiredness, reduced ability to concentrate, neglecting self-care, thoughts about suicide and a sense of failure are classic symptoms of depression. From what you describe, you have been struggling with these symptoms for several months, and they seem to have become more severe over the last one month.

For your safety and of those who care about you, I hope you start therapy immediately. There are numerous online and offline options for therapy now available and I will be happy to help you find a suitable therapist. Depression is completely treatable, but unfortunately most people let it aggravate either due to lack of awareness or reluctance in seeking support. I sincerely hope you find a counsellor or therapist to speak to soon.

Relationship Advice Column in TOI - My wife abuses me physically

Question: When a man hits a woman, she finds a billion supporters but nobody supports a man when he's beaten by a wife. I am in such a marriage. My wife resorts to physical violence whenever she gets angry. Initially, she used to throw stuff at me but now she has started hitting me too. She gets angry on little things and doesn't allow me to meet my friends and regularly checks my phone.

I have never hit her in return but I feel that she's ripping of my dignity. I don't know how to control her anger and stop her from doing this. Please help. - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Violence is never an acceptable form of expression, whether it comes from a man or a woman. It is usually more difficult for men to admit that they are at the receiving end of abuse from their spouse since this does not conform to societal stereotypes. In the recent decades however, there has been a rise in the number of instances of husbands being physically abused by their wives.

I appreciate that you have never hit her back, as this would have only made matters worse. Your feeling helpless is a natural response to the way you are being treated in this relationship. Her reaction is unacceptable and you should not hold yourself responsible for not being able to 'control' it.

My suggestion is, try to speak to your wife when she has cooled down to try to understand her motivation for resorting to violence. Many times, listening to your partner patiently and making a genuine effort to understand what they want goes a long way in reducing their anger. It may also be the case that the things she wants are unreasonable or out of reach. Emphasise on the fact that though you have sympathy for what she is going through, but you cannot tolerate physical violence.

Both of you can try to identify the things that make her angry and violent, and then figure out whether these can be avoided or changed in any way. Mutually agree upon what is acceptable within your relationship and what isn't. It is always more beneficial to have this conversation in the presence of a qualified relationship counsellor. Your counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and enable you to communicate your concerns in a safe and confidential environment. Your wife might be more willing to see a professional if you suggest working on the relationship rather than asking her to 'get fixed' or 'change'. Professional advice about anger management and healthier ways of coping with anger outbursts will also be useful.

I don't know if you have children, but if you do, it is all the more essential for you to seek counselling right away as witnessing violence between parents has a long-lasting negative impact on kids. If your wife is unwilling to seek therapy, you can start with individual counselling sessions for yourself. These will help you to regain your confidence and manage her outbursts in a more assertive manner. Once she sees how you are benefiting from counselling, she might be motivated to try it too.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-abuses-me-physically/articleshow/47160716.cms

Relationship advice - TOI Ask the Expert - I think my wife is asexual

Http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/I-think-my-wife-is-asexual/articleshow/48051174.cms

TEXT:

Question:  I'm a 35 year old girl. If you want to know more about us, you can  write  to us at any time. We do not have sex in 2 months, but it only happens when I initiate it. And I always get a feeling. Everyone in a while she even fakes an orgasm. I like to have a good time. So she does enjoy that closeness. 

I'll be honest. This is not a huge crisis in my life but it is a constant nagging irritation. Any ideas on what I can do to get her in the mood? Is it possible that she is asexual?- By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni:  Being sexual or asexual are not neat stacks in which people can be placed. It is a spectrum along which individuals may identify themselves. So some people have a high  sex drive , others may not consider it a necessity; And still others may be. So, like most human traits, it is not necessarily fixed across time. So, the level or form of intimacy of your  wife can be  different from your personal needs, and this is perfectly normal.

If this has been the case, then it is openly with her. It is possible that she is faking orgasms because she thinks this is what you need. Or that she has not brought it up because she does not think it is important to you. The only way to find out what's going on. She wants to be in the mood. You can talk about how you can help each other. If you are interested in what is going on in your life,

First counselling session - What to expect

What to expect from your first counselling session

Counselling (and psychotherapy) is a process of healing; a place where one can uncover various layers of a problem in the presence of a non-judgmental and qualified professional. Contrary to stereotype, counselling is not the same as getting advice (though most often people do find solutions to their problems when in counselling). It helps people to gain clarity about their issues and to identify potential solutions for the same.

There is a lot of ambiguity and apprehension among people when going for a counselling session for the first time. The main reason for this is lack of adequate information from reliable sources about the topic. To put your mind to rest, here is a quick guide about what to expect from your first counselling session.

In the initial session, a counsellor will typically will divide her time between the following activities:

a) Explaining how counselling works and setting ground rules

b) Understanding the client’s area of concern and background information

c) Agreeing on a set of goals

Even though part (b) takes up most of the session time, (a) and (c) are equally important, and should not be overlooked. They shape the relationship between the counsellor and client, and decide the future course of action. 

A counselling session lasts for 50-60 minutes (there might be instances when the duration would be longer, e.g. during a couples counselling session). During the initial 10-15 minutes, the counsellor will work towards making you comfortable and form a good rapport with you. She will give you a brief explanation of how counselling works or her own working style. You can use this time to ask any questions you might have about their qualifications or experience. You have every right to make an informed choice about your counsellor, so don't hesitate to ask. A counsellor is ethically bound to address any doubts you might be facing about the counselling process. 

This is also the time when the ground-rules or “contract” is discussed. This includes an assurance of confidentiality. It can also include agreeing upon the duration and frequency of sessions, session fees, terms for cancellation or rescheduling and other logistics. Some counsellors ask their clients to fill out basic information forms before the first session, while others prefer to take down this information during the first meeting. This includes information such as your age, marital status, and contact details. Depending on your area of concern, the counsellor may ask you to fill out some forms or assessments. 

Once the paperwork is out of the way, you will be asked to share the reason or concern that brings you to counselling. During this phase, your counsellor will encourage you to share your problem without inhibition. Sometimes you may not have the words to express a particular feeling or experience. Your counsellor will help you articulate these difficult emotions. She might ask you some questions to gain clarity about your situation, but will always maintain a warm, non-judgmental attitude. You have the choice of refusing to answer any questions if you feel uncomfortable doing so. 

Understanding your concern may require the counsellor to gain some information about your family, past relationships and significant life events. It may also involve sharing information about areas of your life that you have never talked about with anyone. Be mindful of the feelings that come up during the conversation. If you start to feel too uncomfortable or overwhelmed, share this with your counsellor. Remember, openness and honesty is essential for counselling to succeed. So make sure that you bring up any difficulty you might be facing in talking about various things. Avoiding or ignoring these will hamper your progress in counselling. 

When one begins to talk about emotional issues, it is quite easy to lose track of time. However, a counsellor needs to maintain time boundaries and will ideally remind you 10 minutes before the session time ends. This is essential for ensuring that the session does not end abruptly. It also leaves the counsellor with some time for summarising all that you have shared with her, and ensuring that you have been understood. 

Towards the end of the first session, your counsellor will summarise the key issues you are facing at the moment and arrive at a mutually agreed set of goals which you will work towards during the counselling process. These goals will be based on your narrative, and are not rigid or fixed. You and your counsellor can revise them at any point during counselling. 

Before the session ends, both of you would have ideally agreed on an appointment for the next session. Depending on your concern and their style of practice, the counsellor may suggest some tasks for you to undertake in the interim period till you meet again. 

Most people expect to leave the counsellor’s office with a sense of relief or accomplishment, however this is less common than believed. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel uneasy or stirred up. Counselling, like any change, needs time. Feeling unsettled and disturbed are natural responses to bringing up uncomfortable aspects of your life. This is also a sign that you are moving towards change and betterment. It is in your best interest to not get too overwhelmed by the negative feelings and discuss the discomfort with your counsellor in your next session with her. 

Impact of client & counsellor culture on the therapeutic process

I have had the privilege of getting my counselling training in a country whose culture is very different from the one I grew up with. It was only when I interacted with people from diverse cultures and backgrounds that I realised the impact culture has on everything we do and think. As long as you are confined to people and places belonging to your ‘home culture’, you tend to assume cultural norms as facts. For example, putting the family or community before oneself is an integral part of a collectivist culture like India. However, assuming that this is the right thing to do for all people is an error. Similarly, a commonly held belief in predominantly white western cultures is that talking about one’s feelings makes one feel better. This again, is a cultural norm and not a universal truth, some cultures place greater value on being able to keep one’s feelings to oneself.

A counsellor needs to be sensitive to minute cultural details such as these. Recent research has focused on the need for cultural competencies as one of the core skills required in counsellors. This does not imply that a counsellor should know everything about every culture, but means that she should not base her interventions and practice on assumptions. As a practitioner of person-centred approach to counselling, I believe that the client is the expert on her life and I try not to make any assumptions about her on the basis of culture, gender or any other group that they belong to. This encourages me to be inquisitive about their life situation and ask clarifying questions whenever needed.

Social psychology research indicates that people generally prefer to associate with persons who they perceive to be similar. This similarity could be on the basis of appearance, worldview or affiliation to a group or culture. The obvious implication of these findings to the field of counselling is that clients would tend to prefer therapists who are from the same ethnicity as them. However, a meta-analysis by Cabral & Smith (2011) reports that despite client preference for counsellors from same background, ethnic matching does not improve therapeutic outcomes.

Reflecting on my prior experience with clients from diverse backgrounds, I think that positive change in a person depends a lot on the therapeutic relationship that develops between the client and the counsellor, and not on how similar they are. Considering the social psychology findings I mentioned earlier, it is natural for clients to want to work with counsellors from similar ethnicity. However, the presumption of similarity on the basis of cultural affiliations can lead to disappointment. For example, despite sharing the same nationality or ethnicity, the counsellor may be very different from the client, and vice versa.

A benefit of working therapeutically with a counsellor from a different country or community is that the counsellor can maintain an open stance of ‘not knowing’, thereby giving the client complete authority to narrate their situation with minimum risk for bias. Differences can promote insight – your counsellor may be able to suggest to you things you overlooked because of your conditioned beliefs. The most important thing is that a counsellor treats you with respect, and does not make stereotypical assumptions about you.