Thinking of Divorce?

If your mind has been riddled with thoughts of divorce lately, if you have been wondering if this is the only way out, do not be overwhelmed. Remember that doubting the relationship does not inevitably culminate in divorce. The end of a marriage can be a relief for some, while prove to be quite stressful for others. In both scenarios, both partners are highly likely to go through a range of intense emotions in the process of getting a divorce. Often, individuals contemplating separation or divorce face a number of dilemmas, which add to the ambiguity of the already complex situation. You need to give yourself the time and space to think this through without any undue pressure. This is often easier said than done!  If you are having a tough time deciding, here are a few important things to keep in mind:

Reflect on your expectations from marriage and your spouse (and how far are they being met?)

Before you decide that divorce is the solution your marital woes, take a moment to reflect on what it is that you expect from the marriage and your partner. Have these expectations remained the same over time, or changed? It is natural for roles and expectations to evolve over time. However, it is important that both partners are aware of what is expected out of them. Open communication about your needs, and openness towards hearing your partner’s needs help in reducing both ambiguity and frustration. It is a cause for concern if despite repeated attempts at voicing your expectations you feel unheard and unappreciated. You need to decide whether this can be resolved by better communication, or you feel this is beyond repair.

What has changed?

It is quite unlikely that your relationship was this way from the start. Can you think back to a time when you were happy in the marriage? What has changed from then? What remains the same? Chances are that there are still some things about your marriage that are workable or in working condition. This is not to deny that there might be a number of things that are stagnant or even deteriorating. The fact that you are thinking about divorce is proof enough for this. The thing to focus on here is whether the workable bits of the relationship can be salvaged, as well as, if there is any scope for resolving the issues that are pulling you both down.

Is this a way to get back at your spouse?

There may be a number of reasons why you feel your marriage is on the rocks. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated by your partner, or you no longer feel connected to them. There might be resentment, dissatisfaction. Anger and hurt that has accumulated over a period of time. In any case, it is in your best interest to try to figure out what your motive is in seeking divorce. Is it a well thought out, clear-headed decision? Many times, the decision to separate is based on anger or other strong emotions. Are you thinking of divorce in a reactive or vengeful manner? If this is true then it is unlikely that the feelings will go away even after the marriage ends. Divorce sought to make the partner miserable or to teach them a lesson is unlikely to be of any good to you.

Are you prepared for the consequences of divorce?

The dilemma you feel is absolutely valid. The decision to divorce is rarely easy or straightforward. Perhaps the most important thing that will help you is an honest appraisal of the consequences – of both divorce and staying married. Take a few minutes to picture all the consequences of divorce could possibly have on your life. A number of things that are a part of your life now may need to go post-divorce. This will include both good and bad aspects. Similarly there will be new roles and responsibilities. This is especially true if you have kids. How do you feel about the new life you picture for yourself? Try to be as objective as possible about it.

In my experience, it can be really taxing to put yourself through this process all alone. In most cases, talking to well-meaning family and friends can end up leaving you even more confused. I recommend that you speak to a relationship counsellor for an objective and professional opinion. It will give you a safe, non-judgmental and empowering space to make an informed decision, and provide you support in dealing with any difficult emotions that might come up.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/relationships/thinking-of-divorce-answer-these-questions-first

Advice Column TOI - My wife is possessive about my best friend

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-is-possessive-about-my-best-friend/articleshow/47326751.cms

Question: I introduced my wife to my best friend a couple of years ago and since then, they became good friends. I used to notice my wife's affectiontowards my friend often but I chose to ignore it. However, my friend got married recently and since then, my wife has started interfering in his married life. She doesn't approve of my friend's wife and wants to take all his life's decisions.

I am unable to understand if she's actually in love with him and if not, then why does she want to include him every time we go for personal outings? Please advise as how should I deal with my wife without offending her or making it sound as if I don't trust her. - By Anonymous


Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Talk to her; share your concerns without accusing or demeaning. Focus on how you are feeling rather than what she is doing wrong. You clearly care a lot about her feelings and don't want to offend her. Try to convey this when you speak to her. Remember that not talking about it will only make things worse. Her affection for your friend could be harmless, and since you don't have any evidence to think otherwise, it's best to hear out her version.
All relationships are defined by certain boundaries. In the case of marriage, these boundaries need to be mutually set and respected by both partners. If either partner feels that these boundaries are repeatedly being flouted, then rather than ignoring or brushing it under the carpet, they must discuss this openly. In your case, your wife spending time with your best friend, including him in personal outings, or disapproving of his wife, are indications of boundary violations.

There is nothing wrong in her being friendly with him. However, considering the discomfort this is putting you in, I suggest that you share your concerns with her instead of letting the suspicion fester.

Let her know how important it is for you to spend some time with just her. Both of you should communicate any misgivings openly. Pent up frustrations may find outlets in disturbing ways. And the best way to avoid this is to discuss things openly as and when they crop up.

Raising Happy Children Post Divorce

Mona – a 26 year old teacher – has strongly negative feelings about marriage. She attributes it to her parents’ turbulent relationship and subsequent divorce almost ten years ago. She recalls being a confused 17 year old when her parents decided to end the marriage. During her teens she frequently found herself caught amidst the crossfire, often being forced to take sides.

Viren is a 20 year old college student, and like Mona, witnessed his parents’ divorce at a young age. He, however, views the experience quite differently. According to him, his parents are much happier now than they were together. He remembers being reassured by his mother that the only change he had to deal with was that his parents would live in different houses. He feels that both his mother and father made every effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for him. Even though he initially felt bad about them not being together, he has now made his peace with it.

Sharing responsibility for children is one of the biggest challenges for divorced couples. The ideal scenario would be when the adults put aside their differences and focus on the child’s needs. This, of course, is easier said than done. Since a lot of marriages end on a bitter note, planning something with the person you wish didn’t even exist can be difficult (to put it mildly).

However, the common stereotype that children of divorced parents are emotionally disadvantaged or damaged is far from the truth. There are as many Monas and there are Virens. That is to say that how parents cope with the divorce determines the impact it has on the children. And yes, it is possible to raise happy children after a divorce.

A child needs a nurturing environment to thrive, irrespective of whether the parents are together or divorced.  Some things to keep in mind to ensure your children’s well-being during and post-divorce:

Prepare your children for upcoming change

Either in their effort to shield the children, or based on the assumption that they will eventually cope, adults don’t share much about the impending separation with the kids. This can lead to poor adjustment and even an assumption on the part of the child that he/she is responsible for the divorce. It is essential that both parents explain – in an age appropriate manner – about the changes that the child will experience in the coming weeks. They should be assured that they will still be loved unconditionally and that they are in no way responsible for this.

Recognize and maintain boundaries

Depending on how your marriage ended, you may or may not harbour strong negative feelings towards your ex. Remember that even if you don’t like your ex anymore, they will always be your child’s parent. Don’t let your feelings towards your ex affect the child’s relationship with them. Give them a chance to develop a healthy relationship independent of your misgivings, and without feeling any guilt.

Don’t put them in a spot

Your children need both parents. Putting them in an awkward situation where they have to take sides can prove highly detrimental to their personality development. Don’t encourage them to talk poorly of your ex. Don’t give them information that they don’t need to hear, including any annoying/negative behaviours on your ex’s part.

Stability

More than anything else, a child needs a stable nurturing environment to thrive and grow. Divorce brings with it numerous changes in routines, patterns and expectations that the child has gotten used to. As a parent, try to provide maximum level of stability. This may involve coordination with your ex. Try to smoothen the transition by putting new routines into practice and sticking to them. Another aspect of maintaining stability is consistent parenting. Stick to rules that were in place before divorce. Some parents might feel guilty and as a result become either too lenient or over-indulgent. Remember that such an attitude will only prove detrimental to your child’s development.

Get help

It is possible that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. Negative feelings that often accompany divorce can adversely affect your children. You are one of your child’s primary role models, and to ensure that you don’t pass on any resentment or bitterness to them, you need to work through your feelings. If you find yourself struggling with emotional difficulties, make sure you get professional help. Talking to a counsellor will give you a healthy outlet for any pent up frustrations or insecurities. Venting out to your child – no matter how receptive or mature they seem – is never a good idea.

Be receptive to cues from your children

Children are often unable to directly express the sadness or confusion they feel. Depending on their age, they might resort to different behaviours which indicate their distress. For example, a five year old may react by being excessively clingy or irritable; an 8 year old may become increasingly withdrawn; on the other hand a 15 year old may resort to defiant or aggressive behaviour. Keep an eye on any signs of excessive behaviours or reactions in your children. They need your reassurance and support to cope with the change. It may also be useful to seek therapy depending on the severity of their reaction.

Originally published on http://www.healtheminds.in/blog/parenting/raising-happy-children-post-divorce

Advice Column TOI - How should I treat my cheating husband?

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/How-should-I-treat-my-cheating-husband/articleshow/47614758.cms

Question: ​I am a 26-year-old married woman with a 6 months old daughter. The biggest problem of my life is my philandering husband. We married one and a half years ago and before that we were engaged for a year. Despite being an arranged marriage, I fell madly in love with him. But I recently found out that he was having an affair with his ex. We ended up arguing on the issue and they went on for days. Every time he promised that he will not do anything to hurt me but always failed to live up to his words. He's a very flirtatious guy and can pursue just about any girl. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because of my daughter, but he is not trustworthy at all. Over time my love for him has turned into deep hatred but my family is insisting that I should live with him for the sake of my daughter. Please give me some solution to change his behavior.​ - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni:  As much as you wish to change your husband's behaviour, there is little you can do unless he chooses to change it himself. Your experience hints that you might be at the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some typical signs of emotional abuse include refusing to communicate, ignoring, extramarital affairs and provocative behaviour with opposite sex, unreasonable blame, belittling and humiliating behaviour. If you identify with these, it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship.

I recommend that you seek counselling from a qualified professional at the earliest if that is the case. Counselling will help you to rebuild your confidence and to gain clarity about what you wish to do. Contemplating separation is often difficult when there is a child involved, and family pressure makes it even more complicated. Instead of jumping to a hasty conclusion, I urge you to talk to a counsellor. It might be useful for you and your husband to see a couple therapist too.

Trust is one of the most important elements of any relationship. By living in a marriage where there is no trust, you are at risk of becoming bitter, which can have negative consequences for your daughter's development. For her best interest, if possible, you and your husband together need to work on how you want your relationship to progress.

Advice Column in TOI - I’m involved with a married woman. Help!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/Im-involved-with-a-married-woman-Help/articleshow/49333938.cms

Question: I met a woman in the most bizarre of circumstances – a common food group on Facebook. Soon, we started talking and I realized that she's married and has a two-year-old daughter. She mentioned to me that she adores her family but has drifted away emotionally and physically from her husband. I know that getting involved with a woman who is married is wrong and I did try to push the woman away but then she just kept coming closer and at some levels, even I was wrong to have gotten involved with her. Now things have gotten beyond control, we have been on dates, have spent days together at different hotels. I feel really guilty for doing this and desperately need an out; however, this woman is not letting me. I fear that she will probably do something to herself or to me if I tell her that I don’t want to continue this. I am very confused and am not sure how to approach this topic with her. Please can you help me here? The woman is extremely volatile, bordering crazy. I am really confused. – By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Being involved with a married person is bound to be complicated. You are absolutely right in recognizing this. I do hope that you also recognize that this is a shared responsibility wherein two consenting adults have allowed things to develop the way they have. It is natural for you to feel guilty and I understand your apprehension about discontinuing the relationship. However, if you do not intend to be with her in the long run, then it is in everyone’s best interest that you end this at the earliest.

I recommend that you tell her in a gentle and direct manner that you cannot be together any more. Avoid making it sound ambiguous by saying things like ‘I think we should stop seeing each other’ or ‘Maybe it’s time for us to part ways’. This ambiguity will only create possibilities for manipulation and further complications. You have described the lady in question as ‘extremely volatile’ and she is most likely in a vulnerable state. With such a person, it is easy to get caught up in a cycle of guilt and possibly, emotional abuse. Try to reflect on what your fears are. It might help to discuss this with a professional therapist or psychologist, who can help you gain clarity of thought. She/he will also be able to help you to recognize any symptoms of mental health pathology.

Advice Column in TOI - Internet says, I’m depressed

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/Internet-says-Im-depressed/articleshow/49382752.cms

Question: I'm a 19-year-old girl, studying and staying with my relatives in another city. For about several months, I felt like a failure, worthless and had suicidal thoughts. I also had a problem concentrating and used to miss my classes, just to stay at home. But I couldn't make anything out of all of this.

However, I recently realized that I have lost interest in my daily activities and do things slower than before. I often find myself sleeping too much as waking up takes a lot of effort. I feel exhausted even after doing nothing much and have no energy left for studying. I don't know what my interests are anymore. I'm lacking self-care and sometimes I just do reckless things.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for many things, which I can't even express. So, I took depression screening tests on multiple websites and the result said that I may have mild to moderate depression. I don't know what I should do next?

I don't want my parents to worry for my mental issues, as they are already in stress about my two failed attempts at CA-CPT. What should I do? - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: This does sound alarmingly similar to depression. Unlike the way this term is used in daily conversation, depression is more than just momentary low mood. It is one of the most common mental health conditions and if left untreated can have incapacitating effects on your health and well-being.

I urge you to speak to a psychologist right away! The longer you wait, the more challenging it will get to cope with these symptoms. A psychologist would be able to diagnose whether this is actually depression or a related condition. She/he will also help you understand your state of mind and cope with the difficult feelings.
I understand your hesitation about speaking to your parents, but I do hope you have been talking to someone about this. A supportive network of friends and family has a very positive impact on overall wellness.The sense of worthlessness and guilt are all part of the depressive episode, and I am positive that you will overcome this with the right professional support.

Tiredness, reduced ability to concentrate, neglecting self-care, thoughts about suicide and a sense of failure are classic symptoms of depression. From what you describe, you have been struggling with these symptoms for several months, and they seem to have become more severe over the last one month.

For your safety and of those who care about you, I hope you start therapy immediately. There are numerous online and offline options for therapy now available and I will be happy to help you find a suitable therapist. Depression is completely treatable, but unfortunately most people let it aggravate either due to lack of awareness or reluctance in seeking support. I sincerely hope you find a counsellor or therapist to speak to soon.

Relationship Advice Column in TOI - My wife abuses me physically

Question: When a man hits a woman, she finds a billion supporters but nobody supports a man when he's beaten by a wife. I am in such a marriage. My wife resorts to physical violence whenever she gets angry. Initially, she used to throw stuff at me but now she has started hitting me too. She gets angry on little things and doesn't allow me to meet my friends and regularly checks my phone.

I have never hit her in return but I feel that she's ripping of my dignity. I don't know how to control her anger and stop her from doing this. Please help. - By Anonymous

Answer by Aditi Kulkarni: Violence is never an acceptable form of expression, whether it comes from a man or a woman. It is usually more difficult for men to admit that they are at the receiving end of abuse from their spouse since this does not conform to societal stereotypes. In the recent decades however, there has been a rise in the number of instances of husbands being physically abused by their wives.

I appreciate that you have never hit her back, as this would have only made matters worse. Your feeling helpless is a natural response to the way you are being treated in this relationship. Her reaction is unacceptable and you should not hold yourself responsible for not being able to 'control' it.

My suggestion is, try to speak to your wife when she has cooled down to try to understand her motivation for resorting to violence. Many times, listening to your partner patiently and making a genuine effort to understand what they want goes a long way in reducing their anger. It may also be the case that the things she wants are unreasonable or out of reach. Emphasise on the fact that though you have sympathy for what she is going through, but you cannot tolerate physical violence.

Both of you can try to identify the things that make her angry and violent, and then figure out whether these can be avoided or changed in any way. Mutually agree upon what is acceptable within your relationship and what isn't. It is always more beneficial to have this conversation in the presence of a qualified relationship counsellor. Your counsellor will be able to look at your situation objectively and enable you to communicate your concerns in a safe and confidential environment. Your wife might be more willing to see a professional if you suggest working on the relationship rather than asking her to 'get fixed' or 'change'. Professional advice about anger management and healthier ways of coping with anger outbursts will also be useful.

I don't know if you have children, but if you do, it is all the more essential for you to seek counselling right away as witnessing violence between parents has a long-lasting negative impact on kids. If your wife is unwilling to seek therapy, you can start with individual counselling sessions for yourself. These will help you to regain your confidence and manage her outbursts in a more assertive manner. Once she sees how you are benefiting from counselling, she might be motivated to try it too.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/ask-the-expert/My-wife-abuses-me-physically/articleshow/47160716.cms